


Nothing Left Behind

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [15]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Father-Son Relationship, Force Bond (Star Wars), Found Family, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 11:36:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13053216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Ezra decides it's time to do something about his bond with Maul.





	Nothing Left Behind

**Author's Note:**

> warning for: references to past child abuse

_You are my apprentice, and you are still bonded to me._

_One day, you will be back where you belong._

Maul’s words had not stopped echoing in Ezra’s head.  He tried to drown them out any way he could.  He threw himself into training with Kanan with an intensity that he knew unsettled his master.  He spent as much time as he could helping Hera with maintenance on the _Ghost_ and the _Phantom_ , or keeping watch for Sabine while she tagged various areas of the spaceport they were holed up in.  Every day, he would find a way to work himself to the bone so when the day was finally done, he would be tired enough to just fall asleep, rather than spending hours lying awake, thinking about what Maul had said.  But no matter how hard he tried, those words were always there.

At first, Ezra had held out hope that as time went by, he’d be able to forget, but it had been weeks and the memory was still etched into his mind of Maul’s words, of that moment of panic as Ezra wondered if he wasn’t really dreaming.

It wasn’t just the memory that wouldn’t leave him alone.  The knowledge of his bond with Maul, of how strong that bond was, weighed on him, dragging him down, crushing him.  He wanted it gone, but he didn’t have the first idea of how to get rid of it.  Even if he did, he would have been afraid to try.

He knew if there was anyone who could help him, it was Kanan, but the thought of turning to Kanan for help tore Ezra apart.  As much as it killed Ezra to acknowledge the existence of the bond, he knew it had to be even worse for Kanan.  Ezra couldn’t even begin to imagine what it had to be like for the Jedi, knowing his apprentice shared a bond that powerful with a Sith.  He wouldn’t remind Kanan of that if he could help it.  He couldn’t ask Kanan for help.  He would just have to find a way to live with it until he could figure out how to break the bond.

But as the weeks dragged by, Ezra grew more and more desperate.  He could barely stand being in Kanan’s presence anymore, unable to stop feeling like he was hurting or betraying his master.  There were times he thought he heard Maul’s voice again, and he had no way of knowing if it was really Maul, reaching out to him across that poisonous bond, or just a figment of his imagination brought on by his own fears.

 _Talk to Kanan,_ the more rational part of Ezra’s brain told him as he stared up at the ceiling during what was quickly becoming another sleepless night.

 _I can’t,_ Ezra thought.  _I can’t do it.  I can't talk to him about --_

_You are still bonded to me._

“Stop,” he muttered, realizing too late that he’d spoken out loud.  He tensed up, hoping Zeb was asleep and hadn’t heard him.  The last thing he wanted to do right now was explain this to anyone.  Thankfully, he heard Zeb breathing evenly, undisturbed.

Ezra let out a small sigh of relief and squeezed his eyes shut.  He tried to force his own breathing to even out.  Maybe it would help him fall asleep this time, unlike last night.  Or the night before that.  Or the night before _that_.

* * *

 

_Ezra tried to run, but something kept pulling him back.  He couldn’t breathe, like something was coiled around his throat, choking him._

_“Let me go!” he tried to say, but no sound came out.  The pressure around his throat tightened, dragging him backward.  Shadows pressed in around him, suffocating him._

_You will be back where you belong._

* * *

 

Ezra’s eyes were stinging with tears when they opened.  He quietly jumped down from his bunk and made his way to the refresher.  He leaned over the sink, running cold water over his hands for a second before splashing it over his eyes.

He stared down at the stream of water for a moment and took a long, shaking breath as he told himself it was just a nightmare.

_Was it?_

Ezra froze up as the thought crossed his mind.  What if it wasn’t just a normal nightmare?  What if none of the dreams he’d been having were just dreams?  What if Maul was invading his mind again, trying to wear him down?

Ezra’s grip tightened around the edge of the sink, the metal digging into his skin pulling him back out of the spiral of thoughts in his head.  Subtle, confusing dreams didn’t sound like Maul’s style.  If he was trying to wear Ezra down, he would make sure Ezra knew it.

 _You’re losing it,_ Ezra told himself.  _You **have** to talk to Kanan.  Today._

* * *

 

Ezra paused outside Kanan’s door, his hands fluttering nervously at his sides.  His stomach was twisting itself into knots as his mind raced, running through every possible reaction Kanan could have to what Ezra was going to say.

 _He’s never hurt you_ , he reminded himself.  _There’s no reason to think he will now._

But that did nothing to calm the fear tearing at Ezra’s insides.  He hadn’t thought Maul would hurt him right up until the moment he first did.

Ezra’s hand shook for a moment before he knocked quietly on the door.

“Come in,” Kanan called.  The door opened before Ezra could do it himself.  Ezra caught sight of the faint glow of the holocron just before it faded.

“I need to talk to you,” Ezra said as he entered the room.  He tried his best to sound level-headed, even detached, as if this was just a normal problem and not something that was ripping him apart inside, but the words caught in his throat for just a second too long.

“You finally gonna tell me what’s been bothering you so much?” Kanan asked, not buying Ezra’s act for a second.

Ezra nodded, his nervousness making his stomach churn.

“It’s…” he twisted his hands around each other as he stared down at the floor, wanting to look anywhere but at Kanan.  “Do you know anything about Force bonds?”

“Is this about Maul?” Kanan asked, a certainty in his voice that told Ezra he didn’t actually need to answer the question.

“Do you know if there’s a way to -- to sever a bond like that?” Ezra asked.  He kept his gaze on the floor, not even noticing as his shoulders crept up into a defensive position.  Why had he thought bringing this up to Kanan was a good idea?

“I know it can be done,” Kanan said.  It was all Ezra could do not to cringe at the concern in his voice.  “But it’s not easy.”

“What do I have to do?” Ezra asked.  “Because I’ll do it.  I don’t care how hard it is or --”

He fell silent as he realized just how fast he’d been talking, how desperate and _scared_ he sounded.

“Will you help me?” he asked, forcing himself to try and at least sound calm.

“Of course I’ll help you,” Kanan said.  “I’ve been researching Force bonds using the holocron.  After the dream you told me about, I was worried it might be something like this.”

Slowly, cautiously, Ezra looked up at him.

“You’re not mad?” he asked.

“Why would I be?” Kanan asked him.

“Because I shouldn’t be bonded to him,” Ezra said.  He tasted something bitter in the back of his throat just admitting to the bond’s existence out loud.

“I think you know it isn’t that simple,” Kanan said.

“I don’t care,” Ezra said.  “I want it gone.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  “But beating yourself up over it isn’t gonna do you any good.  Understand?”

Ezra nodded.

“Good,” Kanan said.  “We can do it now if that’s what you want.”

“Really?”

“No time like the present,” Kanan said.  “Unless you’re not ready.”

“Of course I’m ready,” Ezra said, a little indignantly.  Did Kanan think he wasn’t strong enough to do this?  “Just tell me what to do.”

Without needing to say anything, the two of them sat down on the floor across from each other.  Ezra tried to steady his breathing, not wanting to show just how nervous he was.  He looked over at Kanan, who seemed to hesitate for a moment before he spoke.

“Close your eyes,” Kanan said.  Ezra obeyed.

“Just breathe,” Kanan said.  “Let your mind empty, just like when you’re meditating.”

The room was silent for a moment and time seemed to slow down as the two of them took long, deep breaths, letting their thoughts slip away.  Ezra felt those familiar cold shadows pressing in on him, the pressure of something locking around his wrists.  He shoved it away.  He couldn’t go down that path right now.  He _wouldn’t_.  This was more important.

“It’s okay,” he heard Kanan say.  He must have sensed Ezra’s distress.  “You’re safe.”

Ezra nodded slowly, the only acknowledgement of Kanan’s words that he could manage without breaking his concentration.

“Now, you need to focus on him,” Kanan said.  “Not just your memories of him.  Find his presence in the Force.  With your bond, he’s never that far away.”

Ezra’s eyes snapped open.

“What if he knows?” he asked.  “If I’m focusing through the bond, won't he sense it?”

“He might,” Kanan said, his voice apologetic.  “And he might fight it if he realizes what you’re doing, but --”

“But it’s a risk I have to take,” Ezra said.

“If he tries to do anything to you, I’ll be right here,” Kanan told him.  “Now let’s try again.”

It was easier this time for Ezra to slip into a meditative state.  It took only a moment for him to empty his mind of everything but Kanan’s voice.

“Focus on him,” Kanan said again.

Ezra nodded.  In his mind’s eye, he could see himself and Kanan.  Except for the small patch of the floor they sat on, the rest of the _Ghost_ had faded away, and they were surrounded by an empty void.  He could see his bond with Kanan, glowing brilliantly in the darkness, tethering their hearts together.  He could feel Kanan’s strength rushing through it, encouraging him, wrapping around him, holding him together.

He could see his bond with Maul, wrapped around his neck like a leash.  Or a noose.

“You see it, don’t you?” Kanan asked.  Ezra nodded again.

“This is the hard part,” Kanan said.  “You need to sever it.”

“How?” Ezra asked.

“However you can,” Kanan said.  “I know that’s not clear.  I’m sorry.  But this part is up to you.  You need to tear through it or cut it or break it in whatever way you can.”

“I understand,” Ezra said, his voice low and distant.

“You can do this,” Kanan told him.  “I’m right here.”

Steeling himself, Ezra reached for the glowing rope of the bond around his throat.  He hesitated for just a second before he attacked it.  He felt like he was trying to tear a thick, heavy rope apart fiber by fiber with his bare hands.  He faltered for a moment as he realized just how hard it was, but he forced himself to keep pushing through.  He had to do this.  He wanted Maul gone.  He needed to be free, finally free of him.

But as Ezra worked, he saw the small pieces of the bond that he’d torn away begin to heal.  The bond was repairing itself, undoing what Ezra had done.

“No!” Ezra shouted, not even realizing he had spoken out loud.  He attacked the bond with renewed vigor, ripping away at it with all the strength he had and all the strength Kanan was giving him.  But each bit of progress he made was quickly undone.

In the corner of his mind where he was fighting this battle, time meant nothing, so Ezra had no idea how long it went on, him hacking away at the poisonous bond and watching it repair itself.  As Ezra ripped away another chunk of that thick rope, it healed over almost instantly.

“No!” Ezra shouted again as his concentration shattered and he was snapped back into the real world.

“I can’t do it!” he growled, slamming the heels of his hands against his forehead.  “Why can't I do it?!”

“Ezra, it’s okay if you’re not ready,” Kanan said.

“I am ready,” Ezra said.  “I _have_ to be.  I want this gone.  I want _him_ gone.  I’m just -- I’m not strong enough, Kanan.”

“Yes, you are,” Kanan said.  “You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.  You can do this.  Just maybe not yet.”

“Can’t you help me?” Ezra asked.  Kanan looked away, and Ezra felt a spike of emotion, something close to guilt, flash through their bond.

“Not directly,” Kanan said.  “I can lend you my strength and I can guide you through it, but I can’t break the bond for you.”

“Why not?”

“Because it could hurt you,” Kanan told him.  “Severing a bond between a master and apprentice --”

“He’s not my master!” Ezra growled.

“I know,” Kanan said.  “But he was once, and the bond you formed with him is strong.  It’s _supposed_ to be hard to break.  It stops people from doing exactly what you’re asking me to do.”

Ezra choked back a sob, leaning his head in his hands.

“I can't do this by myself,” he said.

“You don’t have to,” Kanan said.  “Just because I can’t help you break it doesn’t mean you’re doing this alone.”

He reached out and took Ezra’s hand in his.

“Maybe we should try this another day,” he said.  Ezra shook his head.

“You don’t know what this is like,” Ezra said.  “I have to do this.”

Kanan’s hand tightened around his.

“Then I’m right here,” Kanan said.  “As long as you need me.”

Ezra shut his eyes again and followed the same mental pathway Kanan had guided him down before.  He could see both bonds shining through the darkness.  He felt a surge of strength flowing from Kanan to him.  He took a deep breath to steady his nerves before he began to tear at the bond again.

He knew, somehow, just before it was going to break, and he hesitated for a moment, the thought of breaking the bond that had been a part of him for so many years filling him with dread.  He’d spent two years on his own with no one in the galaxy who cared if he lived or died, and no matter how much he wanted his connection to Maul gone, the thought of being alone again scared him.

“I’ve got you,” Kanan said, and Ezra was suddenly acutely aware of the point where their hands met.  “It’s okay.”

Kanan’s encouragement was the last push Ezra needed.  With one last burst of energy, the bond snapped, leaving a hollowed-out, empty feeling behind.

Ezra opened his eyes, coming back to his physical surroundings.  The hand that wasn’t clutching Kanan’s was shaking.  For a moment, they just sat there, not speaking, Ezra trembling as fear coursed through him.  What he’d just done was a betrayal even worse than running away in the first place, and he knew he would be punished for it so harshly he’d be lucky to survive.

 _No,_ he told himself.  Maul couldn’t hurt him here, not with the bond between them gone.  He was safe with Kanan, with the rest of the crew, with his _family._

“How do you feel?” Kanan asked.

Ezra thought for a moment, searching for the right words to describe it.  In some ways, nothing had changed, and he felt the same as he had before.  But in others…

“Like I just ripped one of my limbs off,” Ezra said quietly.

“I’m sorry, Ezra,” Kanan said.  “I wish this was easier.”

Ezra slid across the floor so he was beside Kanan and leaned his forehead against his master’s shoulder.  Kanan put his arm around Ezra’s shoulders.

“I’m so proud of you,” Kanan said.  “I know how hard this was for you, and you are so brave for going through with it.”

“Don’t feel brave,” Ezra said.  “Just scared and…empty.”

“I know,” Kanan said.  He ran a comforting hand through Ezra’s hair.  Ezra clung to him, almost wanting to cry, but too exhausted to do it.

“It’ll all be okay,” Kanan said.  Ezra was surprised to realize he actually believed that.  It would be okay, as long as he was here, with his family.  Maybe not that day, or the day after, but it would be okay, one day.


End file.
